Tales of a lost mom.

For the last six months, I’ve been broken. I’ve been lost. I’ve been numb.

I feel nothing but frustration. I feel nothing for my family, friends, husband… no one. I feel like everyone is a stranger.

No one knows what’s wrong. I’ve been to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a family doctor, and an OBGYN.

I am on my third set of depression pills. I’ve ruled out any major hormonal or thyroid issues. My OB doesn’t think it’s postpartum. No one has a clue why I’m just blank.

My marriage fell apart. My husband filed for a divorce. After the separation, I went looking elsewhere for any sort of stimulation, which I never found.

My husband wants to work things out. I know I owe it to our marriage to try. I just don’t knowhow to try, if i don’t feel anything, let alone love.

Every once in a great while, I get a moment of clarity and be back to my old self. I’ll feel all of the old things and I can see the excitement on my families face. Then I see the hurt and disappointment when that moment of clarity, disappears.

I feel so helpless.

One of those days

Have you ever felt like you are losing control of your own life? Like you’re juggling too many plates, being spread too thin, getting pulled in too many different directions?

I have depression. I also have SAD(seasonal affective disorder) that hits during winter. They both make it hard to get out of bed, but I do it.

Then there are days like today… days where I can look around and see all of the blessings in my life, acknowledge that I have more than I deserve, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My brain knows better, but it doesn’t change anything.

Days like today, I want to give up. I need to call someone to help me and my family get through the day because all I want is to stay in bed and never get out. I don’t want to be a wife or a mother. I can’t fathom the idea of doing one more load of laundry. I want to switch lives with anyone, just to escape the feeling.

My brain is telling me that my life is terrible. It tells me horrible things, and on these days, I believe it. I believe that I’m alone and that things will never get better. I believe that this feeling, that’s keeping me from being able to do even the smallest things, is here to stay.

It’s hard to explain exactly what it feels like, but it feels like I’m helpless. It feels like these irrational thoughts are taking over any sense of logic that I had.

I want to clarify that I have an amazing support system that I reach out to when I’m feeling this way. I never self harm in any way. I just shut down and sleep or turn into a zombie.

I have these days about once every three weeks and by the end of the day, I am so exhausted by the constant flurry of negative emotions that I can’t imagine feeling this way any longer. The only thing that makes these days bearable is that I know I will wake up tomorrow and feel back to normal.

Then I think about people that aren’t as lucky as I am. I have a friend with BPD(borderline personality disorder), and she has these days more often than not. She’s tried therapy, pills, in-patient treatment, and some less healthy methods of trying to gain just a tiny sense of control over her own life.

She is the strongest person I know, because she doesn’t get the luxury of going “back to normal” the next day. This is her normal. Every morning she wakes up, not wanting to exist, but she does. She gets up, gets the kids fed, dressed, and to school. Then she goes home and climbs back in bed until reality beckons her back. She doesn’t let this feeling shut down her life. She can’t it’s not just one day for her. You’d never know by looking at her that the fact that she got out of bed and tackled her responsibilities was probably more difficult than anything you could imagine.

The strongest people in the world go through things that you will never know. To those people out there feeling helpless, alone, and letting your brain convince you of things that aren’t true, please stay strong. You are loved and you are truly remarkable people. I get a tiny glimpse into what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you.

Prayers are with you

Later y’all.