Horrible position.

Warning, this is a rant by a seriously pissed off person about a very dark situation. I can’t promise I won’t swear but I will try not to.

I will not be giving my opinion on any of the parts of this story except the main one, because I could never put myself in my sister’s shoes.

This is about my sister. Here’s the background. She’s 3 years older than me and has a slew of mental problems including but not limited to: body dysmorphic disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder multiple eating disorders, depression, and major anxiety. A day in her life could only be described as torture. Over the years she has been slowly killing herself with eating disorders, cutting, and other harmful acts(binge drinking way past what she can tolerate). She says that if her body doesn’t give out on her soon, she will have to take matters into her own hands.

She went through a messy divorce and a lot of her mental disabilities were used against her to try to take her 5 kids away from her. She went to therapy and treatment for a year(she’s been in and out of treatments for years and years.) and got to keep her kids half of the time. She has said multiple times that they are the only reason that she’s still alive.

Now here is where my story begins. My sister has been prescribed a sleep medication that’s often given to people with bipolar disorder. She’s supposed to start with one pill and if that doesn’t work, talk to the doctor about going up till she reaches the maximum dose of 4 pills.

She tried one pill and decided that it wasn’t enough so a few nights later she took 4 pills and slept for 24 hours straight. That was a couple of weeks ago.

Today I get a call from a friend of hers. “Hey, you might want to go check on your sister in a few hours. You’re the only family she has in town(Parents go to Florida for the winter) and I work later. She took a handful of those sleeping pills. I read that they are hard to overdose on but there’s a small chance that they could give some long term damage. She said that she didn’t want to die, but she also said she took at least a dozen of those pills. The bottle was empty. I know if you call an ambulance she will lose her kids though so I’m leaving it in your hands.”

What the $&@;& am I supposed to do now?! Seriously! I am her YOUNGER sister and she has put me in this horrible lose lose situation. If I go over there and she’s not waking up, I have to choose whether to call an ambulance and have her lose the kids, or not call an ambulance and have her possibly end up with a serious problem or worse!

If I call the ambulance and there’s nothing wrong with her, the chances of her still losing the kids is high. If she loses the kids, then her reason for living is gone and it’s all my fault.

If I don’t call the ambulance and she’s NOT fine, she could die or be in a coma or have a brain injury. Again, my fault!

Either choice is going to be harmful to her kids who I adore, and could end up with her dying. Either choice is going to leave me with enough problems of my own to pay for my future shrinks new Porsche.

My parents are each saying something different. One is saying that she’s been fighting for so long and this disease has eaten away at her for so long that she will only have a few years left anyways so I should not call the ambulance and have this run its course and to leave it in God’s hands. Plus they say that she will hate me if I’m the reason she’s alive and not able to see her kids.

The other says that a few years left, even unhealthy torturous years are still years that her kids will be able to make memories with her. That if I don’t call the ambulance and something happens to her, I will never be able to forgive myself.

Either choice could end with my sister losing her life by her own hands. Either choice will make me the one to cause it to happen. Either choice will be the “wrong choice” to so many people close to her.

I am 29 years old and I’ve been taking care of my sister for years. I’ve listened and given advice. I’ve given her my opinions and argued both sides with her. Now, I’m the one that could possibly make a choice that will affect multiple people and lives. I’m the one that has to choose between what my sister wants or what is “better” for her kids.

I have to choose between having her kids watch her deteriorate slowly but not know that it’s by her own choice, or have them lose her in one swift motion and know exactly how/why it happened and possibly blame themselves.

Either decision could result in these kids losing their mom either by court order or death.

I’m mad because I shouldn’t have to make this decision! How is this fair to me?! Why don’t my parents come home and make the decision. Why did she have to do things this way.

I am the YOUNGER sister. I am not meant to have to decide someone’s entire future. I’m not strong enough to deal with the consequences. I am so angry at her for doing this to me. I know I sound selfish and I know I am being selfish right now.

I always think of everyone else and this decision will be the same way. I’ll think of her and her kids and my parents and our other family. I’ll think about the possible futures for everyone involved and what might happen after the decision is made.

But right now, I’m PISSED! I’m furious. I’m so angry that I can’t even see straight so I’m sitting in the car, getting driven to her house, my stomach in knots, my eyes hurt from crying, and I am SEETHING MAD!

I can’t even ask anyone close to me because I don’t want them to feel guilty with the decision. I’m not bringing anyone else into this mess.

That’s why I’m on here. Not for any opinions or help, but to rant and let it out the only way I know how.

I’ll keep you posted

One of those days

Have you ever felt like you are losing control of your own life? Like you’re juggling too many plates, being spread too thin, getting pulled in too many different directions?

I have depression. I also have SAD(seasonal affective disorder) that hits during winter. They both make it hard to get out of bed, but I do it.

Then there are days like today… days where I can look around and see all of the blessings in my life, acknowledge that I have more than I deserve, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My brain knows better, but it doesn’t change anything.

Days like today, I want to give up. I need to call someone to help me and my family get through the day because all I want is to stay in bed and never get out. I don’t want to be a wife or a mother. I can’t fathom the idea of doing one more load of laundry. I want to switch lives with anyone, just to escape the feeling.

My brain is telling me that my life is terrible. It tells me horrible things, and on these days, I believe it. I believe that I’m alone and that things will never get better. I believe that this feeling, that’s keeping me from being able to do even the smallest things, is here to stay.

It’s hard to explain exactly what it feels like, but it feels like I’m helpless. It feels like these irrational thoughts are taking over any sense of logic that I had.

I want to clarify that I have an amazing support system that I reach out to when I’m feeling this way. I never self harm in any way. I just shut down and sleep or turn into a zombie.

I have these days about once every three weeks and by the end of the day, I am so exhausted by the constant flurry of negative emotions that I can’t imagine feeling this way any longer. The only thing that makes these days bearable is that I know I will wake up tomorrow and feel back to normal.

Then I think about people that aren’t as lucky as I am. I have a friend with BPD(borderline personality disorder), and she has these days more often than not. She’s tried therapy, pills, in-patient treatment, and some less healthy methods of trying to gain just a tiny sense of control over her own life.

She is the strongest person I know, because she doesn’t get the luxury of going “back to normal” the next day. This is her normal. Every morning she wakes up, not wanting to exist, but she does. She gets up, gets the kids fed, dressed, and to school. Then she goes home and climbs back in bed until reality beckons her back. She doesn’t let this feeling shut down her life. She can’t it’s not just one day for her. You’d never know by looking at her that the fact that she got out of bed and tackled her responsibilities was probably more difficult than anything you could imagine.

The strongest people in the world go through things that you will never know. To those people out there feeling helpless, alone, and letting your brain convince you of things that aren’t true, please stay strong. You are loved and you are truly remarkable people. I get a tiny glimpse into what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you.

Prayers are with you

Later y’all.