Dating myself

My biggest regret is that I never dated myself. Now I might never get the chance.

Did any of you jump from relationship to relationship?

I was so afraid to be alone, that I never was. I wasn’t picky about who I dated, just that I was with someone. I’ll tell you what, sometimes my lack of standards really brought in the winners(sarcasm).

I’ve never even lived alone. I moved out of my parents house and in with my first husband. Then when we got divorced, his sister(yep. You read that right. HIS sister is my best friend) moved in to help me through it. Then my current husband moved in and eventually she moved out.

Now that I’m married with kids, that might be my biggest regret.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret getting married or having kids. My husband and my kids are my world. I just wish I would have lived a little BEFORE I met my husband.

I wish I would have spent more time on myself. I wish I would have taken a break to find out who I was and what I wanted.

I should have taken myself to the movies or out to dinner. I should have bought myself jewelry and a spa day. I should have showered myself with compliments and support.

I wish I would have lived by myself for a year or two and learned how to cook better. I wish I would have put as much effort into myself as I did in relationships.

There’s a good possibility that I won’t live alone until I’m much older(or never). I will never get to see what it’s like to only have to take carry of/worry about myself.

I have this dream where I wake up, crank some music, shower and get ready for work. Then afterwards I’d come home, cook something simple, and hang out in front of the tv.

I know I’d have to clean and do laundry but cleaning for one and doing one persons laundry sounds AMAZING! Think about it moms! Think about all of the laundry that CONSTANTLY needs to be washed/folded/put away. How much of that is yours?

I don’t know about y’all, but I HATE kids clothes. You think one basket is not that much but that one basket holds 50183948393729373 pieces of tiny shirts, pants, onesies, etc. Its a basket of LIES and DECEIT!

Plus doing laundry while watching kids. Or even better, when they want to HELP. That makes a 5 minute task take 15-20 minutes.

I miss doing laundry alone. I miss doing anything alone.

I recently took up wood whittling as a hobby. Cause what goes better with kids than sharp knives and blocks of wood…. 😣 I probably get two hours a week of hands free, kids free, time. Do you know how long it takes me to finish one project? Wayyyy more than 2 hours. If I were single, I’d love sitting down and whittling the day away.

The point is, I regret not taking time for myself. It’s an experience that I feel everyone should have. Plus I feel that if I spent this time figuring myself out, I’d have saved a lot of time and tears on the wrong guys.

I know being alone seems scary when you’re in highschool, college, and especially after college when you have to figure life out. But, when you find yourself married with kids and never alone, you’ll wish you could go back.

So if you’re like I was, and the fear of being alone makes you jump from one relationship to the next, maybe just take a break after the next breakup. Even just a month can teach you a lot.

If you’re like I am now, surrounded by people and noise and chaos, never ending piles of laundry and dishes, just wanting a day to curl up and read a good book, you’re not alone.

Try your hardest to find that time. It may not teach you life altering lessons, but it might stop you from pulling your hair out.

Cliff notes of my 20s

My 20s were filled with abuse, death, love, and finding myself.

The first time I wrote this out it was long and detailed and probably pretty boring to those of you who don’t know me. So here’s the cliff notes of the last 10 years.

Stupidly got married at 20 y/o while in college(2009) Guy was an abusive tool.

Dropped out of college at his bequest.

Got pregnant in late 2010.

Lost the baby at 39 weeks and 4 days(June 2011).

Guy started cheating and eventually left me for another woman. (June 2012)

Realizing that I was 23, divorced, and had already buried my child, I got on a dating site and went through a very short “wild period”.

Met a guy on that dating site who wanted more than just one night. (Sept. 2012)

After therapy and time, finally let that guy in. (March 2013)

He was patient with me and helped me through my ptsd. He understood that I didn’t want kids.

He convinced me to go back to school for my bachelors.

2 years after we met we got engaged. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. I was truly happy. (Aug 2014)

1 year after that we found out I was pregnant(September 2015). I was mortified, terrified, and absolutely didn’t want that baby.

Set up an appt at a clinic to terminate the pregnancy. Many long talks later we decided to keep it.

A most terrifying and stress filled 9 months later(may 2016), out pops a healthy baby girl. She was one of the two best things to ever happen to me. She filled a hole in my heart that I didn’t know I had.

A while(September 2016) later we walk down the aisle with our four month daughter as an honorary flower girl.

A couple months after that (December 2016), I graduated with my bachelors in marketing.

2 years later, (after being pressured about having another kid so Charlie doesn’t turned out “spoiled”) we decided(resistently) to have another kid.

Got pregnant February 2018.

I spent the entire pregnancy feeling like we made a mistake and being afraid I was going to hate my child.

We had a boy(October 2018), and it was love at first site. He is one of the three best things that could ever happen to me.

If you would have told me, 10 years ago, everything that I would go through, I’d never believe you. I’d never believe that I was strong enough for the first half or lucky enough for the second.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. If I wouldn’t have lost my son, I might still be with my abusive ex. Id never have met my current husband, and I never would have had my two amazing kids. God works in mysterious ways.

I’m turning 30 in February and ready to start my next decade off on a much happier foot!!!! I MADE IT!!!!!!