I went to the therapist yesterday and she asked about my childhood. I explained how I was always playing by myself, I didn’t do well in school, I didn’t have many friends, etc. She said that I could possibly be autistic myself.
I had already thought of this because my daughter is mildly autistic and a lot of the things they said were signs of autism, were traits I shared with her.
The therapist said that having a second kid could have been a stressor to push me over the edge. Maybe I blocked my feelings out because I was overwhelmed by the change?
It wasn’t too surprising, but to hear that this may be why I’m not feeling anything was a bit overwhelming.
I ended with more questions than answers. What’s the next step? How do I get my feelings back? Will I get my feelings back? Will I be able to save my marriage?
I was hoping for something related with depression and there being a miracle pill out there to fix everything. You can’t fix something that’s a part of who you were.
I always knew I was a bit different, but I never minded until all of this happened. Now I feel like I’m even more broken and hopeless than ever before.
No miracle pill. No easy fix. Possibly no fix at all.
My husband has the kids this week, which means I am left with nothing but my own thoughts.
It’s going to be a long week.